"If you are helpless"

"If you are helpless
He is not

If you are lost
He is not

If you don't what what to do next
He knows

It would take a miracle you say

Well if it takes a miracle
 why not" 

-Boyd K. Packer 

So many times we have felt helpless and lost
So many times our faith has been tested
But more times than not 
We have believed in our future as a family 
We have believed that there's a reason for this challenge 

Yesterday we learned that Ger is finally getting another visa interview on October 4th
This is another initial interview where the consulate in Mexico determines our eligibility 
We got this far last time and we were denied

This time is different 

When we pray together 
We both know Ger is coming home 

I'm putting this in words because as evidenced by my last post
We often forget the answer we so clearly received once 

We get to be a normal family again

Giving Up

I don't like to blog about sad or difficult things 

I'd much rather wait until the difficult thing has passed, then blog about it

But this difficult thing has lasted for 2 years and 8 months 

I cannot believe we are still waiting for this visa interview

I've received about 5 emails from the national visa center asking for the SAME document

My paralegal has sent this document 3+ times!!! 

I'm so frustrated!  

I've called the national visa center and they tell me the same thing

They are waiting for this document that I know has been sent

Tonight Ger told me on Skype, he felt defeated 

He has given up

He doesn't believe the interview will ever happen

The scary thing is, I DO know he will get an interview because I know they want our money and they will schedule the appointment so that we have to pay the fees

But what I don't know, is if he will get approved

What am I supposed to do? 

I've prayed and I have felt hopeful in the past 

But now....

I don't know

I can't just leave and quit my job

I have debts and student loans to pay 

And there is the obvious reasons of not wanting to leave my family and the comfort of home

But is that what I am supposed to do?  

I can't be defeated 

I have to be strong for Ger but when he tells me he is giving up I am speechless

How many times can I say, It's going to work out?

How many times can I tell him to be patient

Dylan and Ger deserve to be together 

Ger is a wonderful father and husband and we miss him

If only immigration would look at these situations 

and see what goes on inside the lives of families like ours

If only they knew how honest, hard working, and loving Ger is

This is such a downer post but it's difficult to have these conversations with friends and family because they simply don't know what to say and I don't want them to feel sad

I have to be strong for everyone but the weight I feel on my chest is getting to heavy to bear

On being a grown up

After passing my boards in May I was faced with some new challenging and exciting experiences

Ger and I always said, once I'm done with nursing school, we will figure out our future

Nursing school came and went and we are still waiting for Ger to have another visa interview

I was offered a job at Hunstman Cancer Hospital which has been a dream of mine for many years

I was so scared to accept the job

I prayed and prayed and prayed some more

I've learned how to be patient and I am so blessed to be so close with my Heavenly Father to know when He is answering me

I felt peace when I asked if I should start my nursing career here in Utah

I know Ger is coming home 

I know that this is part of the plan

I know this because, Ger has recently become a ward missionary 

My husband?!  A ward missionary?! 

That's right 

He sure is

And our love is getting stronger every day

I love him so much:)

Back to being a nurse

It's tough

I am constantly second guessing myself

It's scary

I am responsible for keeping people alive..yikes

I have another job working PRN at Silverado with my lovely mother 

It's an Alzheimer's community

I love it and hate it

I have a lot more independence 

My first day alone was nuts but I got through it and I didn't cry

I have yet to be alone at Hunstman 

I train for two more weeks

I'll keep you posted on these experiences

I love working with oncology patients

They are so unique and being in their presence is breathtaking

Some of these people have just found out they have cancer two weeks ago and they are already turning their whole lives upside down to receive treatment

These people have faced more than I can ever imagine

It puts life into perspective for me every day

I am so lucky to have my health and even more lucky to have the health of my son and my husband

We are blessed

I have been working more hours than I would like but I need to catch up on bills

I miss my baby so much when I'm away from him 

The other day when I got home from work he asked me, 

"mommy, did you lost me"

broke my heart

I hate working so much 

My first and favorite job is being a mom

Once I get through training I am only working 3 to 4 days a week 

The other days are for this kid

Waiting

Last week we sent in Ger's visa packet.  

Now we wait to hear when his interview at the consulate is.  

I know this will take about 4 weeks and yet I still run to the mail box every day. 

Waiting is not my favorite.  

It helps me to know that Ger got a job at the Chrysler dealership in Mexico.  

He has something to distract him now while we wait.

I was hoping Ger would make it to my graduation but that isn't going to happen.  

He will be there in spirit.  

His constant encouragement has helped me get through these past 2 years.  

I love that kid. 

I close my eyes 100 times a day and imagine him walking through the door with his huge smile. 

Our family will be together soon, I know it. 

I'm so grateful for the power of prayer and faith.  

Family Prayer and Baby Talk

3 years ago Ger and I had "family prayer", which consisted of Ger rambling something I didn't understand in Spanish while I prayed the way that I knew how.  

Now we have real family prayer.  

We pray with senserity and with honesty.  

We talk with our Heavenly Father and know that He is listening. 

 I am so grateful that Ger and I feel the same way about the gospel.  

I'm so grateful for the power of prayer.  

We pray every day to ask if Ger is coming home.  

Many times I don't get an answer, but there has been a couple times that I feel that lightness in my heart.  The devil is strong and constantly gives us both doubt.

It is a scary thing.  

My mind goes crazy when I feel that doubt.    

I'm grateful to know that the devil gives me doubt and the Lord gives me assurance. 

With that assurance I can remember those few times I received an answer.  

Dylan prays with us most nights.  

He's going through a weird bossy phase so sometimes he says, "no Heavenly Father, just amen!"

Whatever that means. 

I love when he prays. 

This is how most of his prayers go...

"Heavenly Father, 

thank you for mom, dad, nana.....

amen"

Love that kid. 

Thinking we want another one....

Dylan truly is my miracle.  

I feel in my heart that we should have more children, I just don't know when.  

May is Almost Here

7 weeks until graduation

I am so ready to be done with school and so sad at the same time

I love the friends I've made and I hope that we remain close 

I am so nervous that I won't pass the NCLEX

I'm sure everyone feels that way, but seriously I will probably be the one person from our class that doesn't pass 

I need to stop that...positive thought....positive thoughts

When I do pass the NCLEX (see, I'm starting to think positive already), I want to work at Huntsman, like really bad

The unit manager on the 5th floor offered me a job!!!  (I think...)

She said, "you are going to work here....aren't you" 

me:  "uh ya" 

her:  "good"

That's a compliment and  kind of an offer right?

I emailed her my resume and she replied, 

"Thank you for the resume!  Give me a jingle when you pass your boards!"

She used exclamation points and everything

That's a job offer right????  

Ahhh I would be so happy if Ger were to come home and we could have more babies and I could have my dream job

stupid immigration...

We are still waiting to hear when Ger's appointment will be 

I had a dream that it was June 1st 

Nothing ever happens quickly with immigration but they should SERIOUSLY hurry up!  

Little Laura called us today (I'm in Mexico for spring break) and it was so sad to hear her little voice say, "Cwis, I miss my dad so much" 

She graduates June 5th, which is CRAZY  

She is still so sweet and innocent

I'm worried about what she will do without school to keep her busy

I wish her mom would trust me to take her on the weekends  

I miss her so much

Wish us luck friends  

I feel it in my heart that good things are going to happen

I know why Ger has been in Mexico and I am actually grateful for this trial 

Because he was away from us for 2 years, we can soon be together for eternity

So... we've learned a lot of lessons

Our faith has grown 

Our family has been strengthened 

And our love for each other has grown ten-fold

Can he come home now?  

"Mommy, I want to go to Dada's house"

First of all, please excuse this post.  I am writing down my thought process and it is not quite in order.

"Mommy, I want to go to Dada's house, pretty please.....Mommy, I want to go on an airplane and see dad!"

This is what my son tells me on a daily basis.  

He's getting older, thus he understands mommy lives in one place and daddy lives in another. 

He knows he has to get on an airplane to see his dad and I'm sure he understands we can't stay there forever.  

I'm getting ready to graduate and with that comes a lot of anxiety. 

Ger and I have always said, we'll just get me through nursing school and then we will figure it out. 

Well I'm almost done and we haven't figured it out. 

It may be naive of me to of believed that Ger would be in the audience at my graduation. 

I still pray every day that he will be there.  

We are still waiting to get approval for the I130.  Once it is approved (or not) then we can make his appointment with the US consulate office in Ciudad Juarez.  

I hope and pray that will happen soon.  

I'm scared that it won't.  

I'm scared that May will come and we still won't have any answers.  

I don't know what to do. 

Do I move to Mexico so that our family is together?

This seems like the right thing to do but at the same time it seems so wrong.  

My step-daughter Laura is here in Salt Lake. 

We haven't seen her in 2 years.  

I love her and miss her more than anything. 

I want her to be in our lives, and if we go to Mexico, she won't be able to see us. 

Then there's the whole nurse thing.

Maybe I'm being selfish. 

 I went to nursing school because I want to be a nurse.  

I want Ger to come home so we can be with our family and I can be an oncology nurse.  

Stupid border

I pray every night for an answer. 

Maybe i'm not listening because i'm scared that the answer is to go.

Maybe we are supposed to be there to help spread the gospel to Ger's family

Maybe our family in Mexico needs us more than our family here.   

I never ask God why and I never will

I know he wrote the script for our lives 

I only ask for guidance 

It's just that lately, I feel a little lost